I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
