dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
