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i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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