She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize