Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
