My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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