Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I am puke
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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