Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
