Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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