i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
