just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
