My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
