Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
