i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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