just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
