Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i think my mom watched the whole time
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
the liver wants what the liver wants
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
