I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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