Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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