4 words: hood of his car
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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