i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
