I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
