I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
