Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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