she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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