Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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