alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
