Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
