so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
