just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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