Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My liver just broke up with me...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
