So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
