I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
