my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
