True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
