Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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