yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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