guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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