Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
