worst night to have a conscience
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
