Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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