i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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