I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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