I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
