how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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