I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm just crazy horny about you
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Randomize
