there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize