i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
