Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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