I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
