Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
