I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
