the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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