Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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