Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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