I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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