STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
