If that was your dad, he is hot
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
