I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
