i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
