just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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