I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
