When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She announced her abortion via fbk
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
