his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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