I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
