i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
