I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Randomize
