I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She announced her abortion via fbk
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
