my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
