Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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