piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
